Are You Speaking an Anger Language?
The book “The Five Love Languages” by Gary Chapman has sold over 11 million copies and is frequently referred to by couples who are seeking “the secret to a love that lasts.”
The book suggests that each individual in a relationship has a primary way of experiencing love and that it would behoove their partner “to learn the primary love language of your spouse and choose to speak it.” Anyone who has ever spent time as a therapist providing couple’s counseling can confirm that many relationships, do, in fact, suffer from partners speaking different love languages. Additionally, those of us who often act as a referee during the inevitable conflicts that arise can attest to the benefit of knowing the wants and needs of one’s partner.
However, like learning any foreign language, there are impediments to the communication process. The reason that the ability to speak in a partner’s native tongue does not always lead to a lasting love relationship is that these messages are often drowned out by the Five Anger Languages. Unlike the love languages, most people are well-versed in the anger languages: righteous, indignation, retribution, distraction and justification. Long after loving words have become faint whispers, angry tirades, rants and melt-downs continue to ring in one’s ears — a cacophony of hurt and rejection.
While most people don’t need a book to tell them about the impact of the anger languages, or why they are often more expressed than love languages, many people avoid confronting them head-on. The primary reason for this avoidance is that the underlying emotion in all five is fear — fear of being wrong, fear of being taken advantage of, fear of not having control, fear of facing the truth and fear of being seen as weak.
The process for dealing with the natural, reflexive and all-too-human experience of the anger languages begins with sending the couple to separate corners for individual exploration of each person’s anger history. Trying to talk to an angry couple about their love language usually backfires and increases the anger level to where one or both of the parties will turn on the therapist for not being helpful.
The advice that Chapman gives in his book that, “we must first learn what is important to our spouse,” ignores the ancient truth of “know thyself” and the more recent wisdom, “change begins with me.” All too often, a spouse, due to their extensive examination of their partner, already has intimate knowledge of him or her but is totally blind to their own needs, interests and motivations. Even if one knows that his or her partner’s love language is words of affirmation, if the anger language is not addressed, what will be affirmed is why that person does not deserve those words.
Due to the potential volatility and often deep-seeded roots of anger, it might be best to explore one’s anger language with a trained professional. Anger often masks as depression, anxiety or even physical ailments, so a thorough assessment is a good start. However, if one’s copy of “The Five Love Languages” is currently in use as a coaster or sits on a dusty shelf next to a copy of “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus,” there is a way to begin to learn this language at home.
Here are some tips to get started:
Own it: Regardless of the event, we make ourselves angry.
Use it to solve problems, not to create them. Anger is a great motivator but poor sustainer. Use it to kick start your motivation for change.
Save the aggression for the gym. Anger doesn’t hurt people; acts of aggression do. Slamming doors, throwing things and even punching pillows simply create violent habits and send the message that you are not in control.
Sit with it. Turn anger into meditative moments where you pause and reflect on your experience rather than fight or flee.
Gaining insight into one’s language can have a profound impact on our relationships as long as we keep these rules in mind — make the relationship a priority, stay in the present, know when to let something go and be willing to forgive.
While on the surface this may seem like a lot of work, it’s nothing compared to the effort and energy expended while trying to keep the anger balloon from bursting. With reasonable effort, one quickly learns as Mark Twain once said, “Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.”
The Five Anger Languages and their typical expressions are as follows:
Righteous —
I’m right, you’re wrong.
Driven by ego, this language can easily escalate to the point where all past episodes of being wrong are thrown into the mix. Entire countries have gone to war over this language.
Indignation —
How could you?
Often softened by a tone of disbelief, the underlying message is that the victim did not deserve whatever they received.
Retribution —
You’ll pay for that!
Often expressed as “I don’t forgive and I don’t forget” or the classic “an eye for an eye.”
Distraction —
Look over there!
Used in an attempt to avoid taking responsibility, it’s the adult version of getting caught with one’s hand in the cookie jar and then getting mad about never being trusted.
Justification —
You had it coming.
This is the art of holding others responsible for our emotions.