Do you feel uneasy in a crowd? Have trouble talking to others in social situations? Has it gotten to the point where you’d rather just stay at home than face the world?
If you’ve spent your life being described as shy, you could actually have a condition called social anxiety disorder, also known as SAD or social phobia. It’s defined as having an unreasonable fear of being embarrassed in a social situation to the extent that you feel extreme distress or avoid such interaction altogether.
Both shy people and those with SAD experience similar emotions, such as anxiety, inhibition, nervousness and worry about being evaluated by others. However, shy people are often able to overcome their fear once they adjust to the situation. In a person with SAD, these symptoms will get worse over time, often impairing their daily and social life, and sometimes their ability to work.
About 7 percent of Americans are affected by SAD, which can start during youth in people who are extremely shy, according to the National Institute of Mental Health. Without treatment, it’s a condition that can last for many years, or even a lifetime.
The good news is that SAD is treatable with cognitive behavioral therapy. In this process, a therapist guides you to shift your thought processes, beliefs and behaviors.
Avoiding social situations to manage anxiety creates a vicious cycle, as the positive reinforcement is to stay away from people. This results in social isolation and depression, and often people with SAD turn to substance abuse.
If you are shy, here are some tips to help you feel more comfortable in social settings. These will work for those with SAD as well, but seeing a licensed therapist to get over the first hurdles will be beneficial before implementing these coping techniques.
Remember, You Aren’t the Center of the Party
Unless the party is thrown in your honor, you aren’t going to be the center of attention. Try not to worry that everyone is looking at you. Most people won’t notice you, they aren’t laser-focused on your sweaty palms and they aren’t taking notes on everything you’ve said.
Have Appropriate Topics on Hand
The weather, non-political current events, sports and anything relevant to the occasion are safe topics to bring up. If there is a person-of-the-hour, have some fun stories about how you met or got stuck in an airport together for 10 hours. You may think that no one wants to hear your stories, but you do have interesting things to say. Practice Out Loud
If you tend to stumble on your words, practice introducing yourself in front of a mirror and on the drive to the party. Rehearse the stories you want to share, the questions you want to ask and ways to excuse yourself. The more you practice out loud, the more automatic it will be when you’re in the moment.
Ask Questions
Everyone likes to talk about her/himself, so get curious and ask questions. Have a list of thought-provoking or fun questions on hand to keep the chat lively. What is their favorite vacation spot? What is their favorite local restaurant? What are they watching on TV? What do they have planned for the weekend? For inspiration, Google “icebreaker questions.” Be careful not to pepper someone with so many questions that it becomes an interrogation.
Breathe
Breathing will calm you down, so take a few deep ones before you head into the party. If you need to take a break to re-set, excuse yourself and go the restroom for more deep breathing and to give yourself a pep talk.
Take Baby Steps Out of Your Comfort Zone
Challenge yourself to speak to one person each day whom you don’t know. Ask, “How’s your day going?” to the bank teller, the clerk at the store and your barista. Signal that you are open to conversation by practicing smiling at people, looking them in the eye, staying off your phone and having open arms. Work your way up to speaking with someone you don’t know at a party.
Take a Class
Boost your confidence by enrolling in a public speaking course or participating in an improv class. Both will be safe places where everyone is learning to speak in a new way. The rules of improv promote spontaneity over planned speech, which will give you practice messing up and surviving.
Have an Exit Strategy
To leave a conversation, say: “I want to check out the food/artwork/say hi to someone.” Or “I have to call my kids” or “I don’t want to dominate your time.” A simple thank you to the host is sufficient and expected.
Boost your Confidence
The better you feel about yourself, the easier it will be to muster the courage to speak at a social event. Hire a style coach to update your look or a speech coach to work on your storytelling. Schedule a lunch with a close friend the day before the event to squash your jitters.
No one should suffer the impacts of social anxiety disorder when it is treatable. If you have a friend that you suspect has SAD, share this article and gently suggest that life can be more enjoyable.
Do You Have Social Anxiety Disorder?
To determine whether you have extreme shyness or social anxiety disorder, take the Mini-SPIN (Social Phobia Inventory) test below, developed by Dr. Jonathan Davidson, a psychiatrist at Duke University Medical Center. (There is a full SPIN version as well.) Rate the statements on a scale of 0-4, with zero being “not at all” and 4 being “extremely present.”
- Fear of embarrassment causes me to avoid doing things or speaking to people.
- I avoid activities in which I am the center of attention.
- Being embarrassed or looking stupid are among my worst fears.
Scoring 6 or higher indicates you may have SAD, though it is recommended to see a trained health professional for a proper diagnosis.