Putting down a family pet is not an easy decision. Experts offer their tips for helping kids cope.
Written by Alison Johnson
When Jennifer White-Bisek found her ailing 11-year-old dog, Sake, sprawled under her favorite tree and moaning in pain this past April, she knew her family was about to face a tough decision. White-Bisek decided to tell her young children the truth: they likely were going to lose the gentle 70-pound playmate who romped with them in the sprinklers at their Chesapeake home.
“I didn’t want to be hiding things,” she says. “They already knew she wasn’t well. We just told them, ‘This happens. It is part of life. She is going to be with God now.’ And they were sad, of course, but they were OK.”
In fact, Ethan, 7, and McKenzie, 5, came up with their own way of handling their emotions. They drew pictures for Sake—of their house, family, dogs and the vet who visited their home for her end-of-life care—and spread them out where she lay, anchored with little rocks, just before she died. “We wanted to tell her we were going to miss her,” McKenzie says. The kids checked the pictures for a few days afterward to help recall what had happened, before they washed away in a rainstorm.
The death of a pet is often a child’s first experience with significant grief, but parents can help by finding ways to include them in the process, experts say. “Kids generally appreciate honesty,” says Dr. Tyler Carmack, a veterinarian with Hampton Roads Veterinary Hospice and In-Home Euthanasia, a Virginia Beach-based practice. “They know something is happening and want to understand. Some parents will—with good intentions—try to hide that they’re upset. Children will pick up on that and be confused. They should learn that it’s OK for everybody to be sad, and that things will get better with time.”
Tips for parents:
Explain the decision. Tell kids that pets die because their bodies stop working. Be clear that death and burial won’t be painful or scary, and share any religious beliefs about afterlife. With young children in particular, avoid euphemisms such as “go to sleep” or even, “God took her because she was such a good cat,” says Sandra Barker, a professor of psychiatry and director of the Center for Human-Animal Interaction at Virginia Commonwealth University’s School of Medicine. “Use terms they can understand, like, ‘Her body broke like a toy breaks, and the doctors couldn’t fix what’s broken,’” Barker suggests. “Or, ‘She got sick, not like you and I get sick but very ‘doggy sick.’”
Encourage kids to ask questions and identify their emotions, whether they’re angry, scared or even feeling guilty about having fun. “Whatever the feeling is, validate it,” says Michele Tryon, a certified child life specialist and parent educator at Children’s Hospital of The King’s Daughters. “For example, ‘It’s OK to be sad. I know how important Spot was to you.’”
Read books on pet loss. Ask a children’s librarian for recommendations or visit Dr. Carmack’s Web site at hrvethospice.com or the site for Pet Loss Counselors, a Yorktown-based practice, at petlosscounselors.com.
Give kids some control. Children can help decide how much they should be present for a pet’s final moments. Older children might want to watch as an animal is euthanized, which can be a positive experience if they understand the process in advwance. While most pets will pass very peacefully, for example, kids might see an animal twitch or urinate.
Let them say goodbye. A child might say a few final words, give a belly rub, snip off a piece of fur to save, make a clay paw print, draw pictures, wrap the pet in a blanket or give it a favorite toy to take along to the vet’s office. Families also can plan memorial services after the death.
Reassure them it’s not their fault. Kids may worry a pet got sick or died because of something they did, such as yelling or forgetting to fill the water bowl.
Maintain consistency. Regular family routines help kids feel safe (however, also don’t try to pretend everything is normal).
Recognize normal expressions of grief. Kids might worry about other pets or people dying, crave physical closeness with a caregiver—or want to be alone—or have stomachaches or headaches. Young children don’t understand the finality of death and may repeatedly ask for a pet. They also might play as if all is normal, but then grieve later. As long as their sadness isn’t too intense and improves with time, and they’re eating, playing and sleeping fairly normally, they’re likely fine.
Don’t get a new pet to try to ease grief. Move slowly, wait for everyone to feel ready and emphasize that the new animal won’t replace the old one—getting one that looks different can help—and that loving it isn’t a betrayal.In general, kids often are able to handle more than their parents think. White-Bisek’s children, in fact, opted to watch the last moments of Sake’s at-home euthanization. And here’s what McKenzie took away: “The doctor came to help her, so that was good.”
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