Welcome to the teen years – a pendulum of slamming doors, heartfelt moments, rolling eyes and smiling faces. Mood swings are common during adolescence. In fact, The Max Planck Institute for Human Development in Berlin found that teenagers go through the same rewiring as they did when they were toddlers. The terrible twos just got older and bigger; with more colorful language. Teens still want to communicate with us. Here’s what they’re trying to tell us.
Do You Know Who I Am?
Teenagers want to be recognized for who they are as individuals, yet parents often get caught up on things like physical appearance, academic or athletic performance. How can we interact with our teens and tune in to who they are? “Be available,” recommends Dr. Susan Kuczmarski, Ed.D., a Chicago-based author of The Sacred Flight of the Teenager: A Parent’s Guide to Stepping Back and Letting Go. “There may be no advance warning when your teen arrives, plops down and is ready to open up,” says Kuczmarski. “Seize the opportunity. Timing is everything with your teen.” Once the conversation rolls, let them express their feelings without preparing a rebuttal or offering advice. When you practice this, your teen will be inclined to talk to you more often.
No Questions Asked
Kuczmarski says her extensive research found teenagers don’t respond well with a barrage of questions. “We send a lot of signals when we ask questions. We let them know what we think is important by the questions we ask,” says Kuczmarski. Typical questions about homework, classes, after-school jobs, etc. can be downright annoying to teens because they think we’re prying and not seeking a genuine interest in them or a conversation that involves their thoughts and feelings. If you want to ignite a conversation with your teen, tell them about your day and see if they respond. If not, let it be. Bottom line, Kuczmarski says, is to observe, listen and don’t ask a lot of questions.
Don’t Roll Your Eyes at Me!
One-word answers, shrugged shoulders and rolling eyes are avoidance techniques teens tend to use. “Teens hope that these body cues will either shut the parent up or get them aggravated, which in turn distracts the parent from the actual information they are after,” says Joani Geltman, MSW, author of A Survival Guide to Parenting Teens: Talking to Your Kids About Sexting, Drinking, Drugs, and Other Things That Freak You Out. Parents are generally quick to focus on the non-verbal cues and think of the rolling eyes as disrespectful. How do parents get past it? It begins with the tone of our voice. “Teens are extremely sensitized to tone of voice,” says Geltman. “If teens hear even a hint of judgement and/or criticism in their parent’s voice, they will shut down.” If eyes start to roll, ignore it. Instead, Geltman suggests saying something like, “I get this feels annoying and stupid to you, but we really need to talk about this.” Approaching the subject at hand with genuine interest in what your teen has to say, rather than immediate judgment, will keep the lines of communication open.