But it’s perfectly normal because you often have close relationships with your coworkers and colleagues.
“Too often judgments are made from outsiders as to how difficult your grief should be. The fact is that one can grieve just as deeply for a coworker as a parent, what matters is one’s relationship with the person,” says Allison DeLaney, chaplain at Hospice House and Support Care
of Williamsburg.
Hospice House offers ongoing grief groups for people who have experienced a loss, as well as free bereavement support to workplaces, including on-site consultation and help in connecting individuals to resources as needed.
Each workplace has its own culture and decisions about how to react to a death will be customized to that organization. Some provide grief counseling, while others offer the opportunity to have everyone go to the funeral. Various methods are used to communicate and remember the lost employee. The common thread seems to be acknowledging the loss.
“A healthy workplace will honor the reality of their employees’ grief. The way that this happens has to be appropriate to the situation. Perhaps it would help to sign a card for the family, make a donation to the deceased’s favorite charity, or participate in a charity walk in honor of that person. What matters is that grief in the workplace is acknowledged and given a place to be expressed. Everyone’s grief will differ and so it is important to respect and support each in their own unique way,” DeLaney says.
Jim Bonomo, chaplain for the VCU Health System and Massey Cancer Center in Richmond, recommends that people express condolences in a simple, straightforward, caring way. He suggests adapting your style depending on how well you knew and how closely you worked with the person. “The depth of the bond you had with the deceased will determine the response, whether casual or more personal,” he says.
Lt. Douglas Orr, a chaplain from the U.S. Marine Corps, said that just being there is important. “As a chaplain, I’ve learned to practice the ministry of presence. Simply being there in support and listening to the stories of the family brings tremendous support. It’s human nature to struggle with the right words or phrases. But nothing speaks more than the simple presence of being,” he says.
Orr says that in the military, which includes inherent risks to life, there are additional challenges for fellow service people. “For example, our military may be away from home [and] unable to attend the funeral. Offering a memorial service allows those unable [to attend] to still pay respects to the fallen. I also believe military funerals provide the best closure for all involved. The very ritual of folding the flag, presenting it to the family and the playing of taps allows all involved to understand the finality of life,” he says.
If it can be done, a memorial service offers the best source of closure, especially if the death occurred “forward deployed,” or away from base. Orr says that the military is working to promote better ways of coping with death, but that is challenging. He believes the response should be customized to the situation and one of the benefits of the military culture is the family mindset.
“When loss of life occurs it really hits the military community hard. This is the time you see the community pull together to help and support each other,” he says.
Psychologists recommend sharing feelings and creating a mutual support group for coworkers who may be experiencing the same emotions. Many workplaces offer Employee Assistance Programs and employees should be encouraged to take advantage of them, individually or as a group. Experienced counselors can offer support and structure and help make appropriate plans for memorials and condolences to family members.
It’s important for workplaces and human resources departments to plan ahead. Establishing protocols for responding to a worker’s death can help avoid confusion or missteps when it comes to business issues such as sharing information, handling personal effects and reassigning space or equipment. At Ferguson, the largest distributor of plumbing products in the U.S., headquartered in Newport News, such plans are in place.
“We typically notify coworkers by calling a meeting—whether department or local branch—and management shares the news face-to-face. Management will also notify customers, vendors, etc. as needed,” Steve Roznowski, Sr. Vice President of Human Resources, says.
The company culture, with more than 18,000 employees, has its own traditions that have evolved over time and by department. Roznowski says that associates typically gather around the family and attend the remembrance events already planned rather than holding their own.
Ferguson supports that culture with resources.
“We let the individual associates decide if they want to attend the viewing, wake or funeral and we do encourage those closest to the deceased to attend. While it does not happen with every associate who passes away, in many instances, the local branch will collect monetary donations for the family,” Roznowski says.
I personally have experienced periods of intense grief many years after. Something or someone will trigger a revisiting of an old loss as if it had been recent. This is especially true for those of us who deal with loss in our daily work. – James Bonomo
Ferguson also has a program called the Ferguson Family Fund, where families experiencing financial hardship resulting from the loss of the associate can apply for a one-time grant to cover funeral expenses or other basic living necessities.
Even if a death follows a long illness and there is time to anticipate the loss, it’s still a loss felt deeply throughout the organization.
“There is time to get used to the idea of the person being gone. But loss is loss and death is always shocking when it happens. I’ve been with families who have seen their loved one go through several serious crises when they almost died but rebounded. They come to feel like the person has always come back—why not this time?” says DeLaney.
No one wants to think about it, but it is possible that a person dies as a result of a violent act. “Whenever there is a sudden, violent death the intensity and duration of grief is generally greater,” DeLaney said.
“There may also be increased levels of fear, in addition to grief, whether the incident is likely to happen again or not.”
Another difficult situation is when a death is the result of a work accident. If it was a work accident, then it will be particularly important to get the facts reported as soon as possible to the staff. Special consideration should be given to those who were witnesses to the death. DeLaney suggests a process called critical incident stress debriefing (CISD), which can be helpful during catastrophic events like this. A team of people trained in CISD can be called in to help offer short-term support for a community, for example after a death in a school, or after a tornado.
Many organizations have plans for the worst-case scenario and put them into effect as needed. But what about people who work in industries, like medicine, where it’s not unusual for patients to die?
Bonomo says that people who work directly with patients in health care develop relationships with patients, both professional and personal.
“Our grief depends on the kind of and depth of our relationship and the trust that that relationship entailed. I have grieved some deaths as deeply as family. It is important for the health-care team to process patients’ deaths in group de-briefing and/or one-on-one with trusted coworkers,” he says.
DeLaney admits this is a personal challenge for her. “I’ve found it important to cultivate ways of regular self-care. I walk, journal and debrief with my coworkers as much as possible.”
Additionally, Hospice House, like other medical hospices, holds an annual memorial service to honor those who died in the past year. “It is a necessary opportunity for us as a whole to acknowledge our accumulated grief as staff so that we can make inner space for the people we will care for in the future.”
Grief is a process and it takes time—that’s almost a trite expression, but it’s repeated because it’s true. DeLaney says that it’s normal for people to have changes in sleeping and eating, to have difficulty concentrating and to have “grief bursts” when emotions erupt unexpectedly.
“These are normal symptoms of grief. What is important is that there [are] supportive individuals and communities that can be witness to the loss and grief. By enfranchising the grief, healing can begin to take place,” she says.
DeLaney and Bonomo agree that grief has no time limit, and that is important in any aspect of life. People don’t just “get over it” when someone they were connected with is no longer there.
“Grief takes as long as it takes and cannot be finished in the typical two days that one might get as ‘bereavement time off.’ We cannot judge from the outside the intensity of grief going on inside another,” DeLaney says.
Bonomo reiterates that there is no total closure in death. “Depending on the intensity of the bond between persons, closure is a lifetime endeavor. There is a rhythm of feelings of intense loss to healing. I personally have experienced periods of intense grief many years after. Something or someone will trigger a revisiting of an old loss as if it had been recent. This is especially true for those of us who deal with loss in our daily work,” he says.
Orr says that each situation requires different resources, but that luckily, there are many available. “Find the best, most healthy method, to work through the stages of grief,” he recommends.
The effects of a death in the workplace may continue for a long time, but experts say that dealing with grief directly, as well as preparing for the potential disruption in the workplace, are the best steps we can take. If someone you work with loses a loved one, many of the same tips apply. Understand that they may be grieving and that work may be an escape for them. It may also be a burden. Keep the lines of communication open so you know what they need. That’s how you’ll know what you can do to support them during their journey and build a stronger relationship.